Tuesday, December 28

Should I or should I not?




This person involved is nonetheless my elder sister. I knew deep inside my heart that this day might come, but when it comes, it still came as a hammer blow. Yes to some extent, I rather dun want to be affected by this incident, but end day she is still my blood sister. I have seen her barely a couple times since I chose to stay away after learning the circumstances of my late mother's death, I made that decision because I seriously dun think that she was lying to me. I didn't blog about it, but the way she revealed the details of the process - the way she using masking tape to tape up the nostrils, mouth, eyes (she didn't want to see my late mum staring at her) and using the pillow to suffocate, how the heart was beating so fast before it finally stopped. That detailed confession took a lot out of me. So what if the body was already cremated and no way to find out the exact truth? It wasn't hard for me to make that decision that I do not want to associate with her anymore.

These few years, I buried myself with work. Living my life to the fullest. Even start to do volunteer work, making difference in other lives. I simple want to walk away, move on from my past. I tried to see my late mother's passing as a relief, she was then bedridden for six years, but then I just couldn't. It was really tough back then, but I was ready to see through the rest of her life no matter how long it is.

This feud, family dispute has been going on for so long even before my late mother's passing. Just 5 or 6 months back, I finally showed face at a dinner at the place of my father after one of the NDP rehearsal. I cannot remember the exact date, but it should be rather close to Father's Day. She was giving a huge treat to my father, apparently she just sold her place for a very decent profit in the region of 160k, that is what she claimed. I showed face to make my father happy, it has been years since we all met. But I realised upon seeing her, I have not managed to let go the burden that I have been carrying. I still couldn't forgive and forget all the bad deeds done by her. There were too many.

But then I am happy in a way, seems to me that both of us are doing good. I can better concentrate on my career and my life without the never-ending battles between us. Why break the successful formula when it is working well?

And now this? Well I somehow knew this day might come. I have discussed with my father before. Even the dinner and wine that she spent at my father's place that particular night is at least 300 dollars. Yes we were both happy that she seems to be doing good. But I somehow do not have that confidence that she will mend or change her way on her spending habits, I shared the concerns with my father many times when we catched up on meals. There were tell-tale signs when she didn't visit or call my father at all on his birthday. We discussed about it before and we just didn't know just what is she up to. My father is getting old, he doesn't really know how to save phone number and so what we just wait and this happened.

My father was the first one my nieces managed to contact during the incident, all the "aunties" and "uncles", the so-called friends of my sister that I see at the birthday party of the youngest niece are not responding already. Well the reality of life. You will have a lot of friends when you are rich, when you are in trouble, no one bother. Me, there was no way to reach me, I changed my phone number with purpose. No reception in camp was just a convienent excuse that I doubled with, I just dun want to be troubled with those nonsense and threatening smses that I am so used to receive from the certain someone.

When I received the call from my father rather early on Monday. I knew something is amiss. I dun receive calls so early in the morning from the old man. At this instance, I was preparing myself for another type of bad news, not this. Opps. Then came this. Luckily I wasn't working, and so I told my father to come over from NUH to have a breakfast before going back to his place. He didn't sleep at all, he was having a late night drinking session with friends till 4am plus when he received the phone from my eldest niece. It was too sudden and early that I have not fully aware of the magnitute of the incident, until I spoke with him. It seems that the reason for the suicide is money woes.

Frankly speaking, I am not surprised. But I am still sad that my prediction has indeed come true. The amount of luxury and new items that my father saw with his own eyes in that rented flat, is shocking. Basically my father was telling me that almost everything is brand new. There is at least 3 sets of computers, etc. Yes she has the ability to spend 23k in 3 weeks, 160k in months??? I do not have any words to describe it.

I have not went to hospital since. Read from the papers that my ex bro-in-law is there. So at least that there is no need to worry about the three nieces for now. But the sister, I dunno man. There is a huge inner struggle that is inside me for the past 24 hours. To remain the same status quo, or to try to step in. Her actions in the past has disgusted me to the maximum of my tolerance. My severe depression that I have in the past is mainly because of her unreasonable demands. My hands are tied in the past is because of her. The threats, emotional backmails to throw my late mum of the house, send the maid back, dun care about my late mum, do something nasty to my late mum were all from her. And the killer of my late mum is probably her.

I must be someone that have learnt the highest stage or enlightened by some religion that I can forgive and forget about all the past. But the thing is that I have not reached that particular highest stage of enlightenment. I have a really strong set of moral values on what is right and wrong, my conscience, my love for my beloved mum. To accept her back is to go against the system and principles that guided all my life.

So I dunno. There is no right or wrong anymore in this complicated and complex situation. I will only follow the "right" path in my heart, and do the "right" thing which I precieved as right.

May my late mum rest in peace.

1 comment:

Unknown said...

Maybe this incident is a blessing in disguise in that she will get the help she obviously need badly.

There is really nothing much you can do for her though but if you treasure the family relation, you can be there for her to give her some moral support. After all, blood is thicker than water.

To err is human. To forgive is divine.