Sunday, November 21

To say or not to say

I have hidden a secret in me for many years. I thought that I will never face this issue and can bring this safely into my coffin. Hahaha but life has such an interesting arrangement for me that this secret is surfaced from the bottom of my heart. I just need some revenue to vent it all out so that I can move on.

I just found not long ago that my ex is happily married recently from new media sources. And the world is so small. The husband was one of the lecturer at Nxxxx. I didn't know about this yet when I attended the last course which was taught by him. Only after that, through new media sources, then I found out the possibility but i wasn't sure yet as there was only a picture. So today, I bumped into him again and the chance to confirm it.

Hahaha I dunno why did I go confirm it? Perhaps that I should have just left it. I must say that it was rather emotional after that. Hahaha I thought that I should have long overcome it but I guess that I didn't.

The parting back then was really really sour. I must have really hurt her.

But what is the secret that I have been carrying with me all along? I have never shared with another one so openly before. I have in fact did it on purpose back then. I just wanted to get rid of her at that point. It is not that I do not love her at all. But I was in no position to guarantee her happiness 5, 6 years ago given my circumstances back then. I was really self-fish to have go into a relationship with her in the first place. Upon self-realization of my "wrong move", i just pulled the plug off, with the "main power still switched on".

I didn't even bother to reply her letter for an answer. It was sudden, swift and decisive, and with no explaination. I just did what I thought was right. It was really the best way, I really meant good but my execution skills was really poor that my actions was percieved as "Bad and self-centered".

It was something that I have been carrying with me for a long while. The end note was so sour that we never meet again, and I thought that it will never be surfaced again. But meeting someone who is so close to her now, the old wound opens up through I know that it's pointless to rake up the past.

The class became a rather emotional one as I reflect on the past more than concentrating in the class. Hahaha and I was stuck in a to say or not to say situation throughout. But I decided that something are better left untold but I really need some revenue to just let go of this emotional burden so that I can move on.

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