Last tue on the 17th, i was told that my mother stopped breathing for a short while. But the maid who discovered it, managed to revive her. On the same day, we summoned the family doctor of my sister to take a look @ my mother, the family doctor who is a different one from the homecare doctor, he too told us the same opinion - asking us to prepare for the worst in the next few days. Her heart rate is slowing, and her pulse is getting weaker.
Well i choose not to believe what the homecare doctor said, but with a second doctor saying the same thing, i have no choice but to start believe that my mother is soon leaving this world. I went and visited my mother that night and spoke at length. My sister already told her what the doctor has told us, it's a bit hard but i got to ask her about the funeral arrangement.
She chose Buddhism funeral arrangement by raising her hand when i gave her several options. Unknown to many, my mother changed religion for a couple of times. She was into Buddhism, Taoism for the most part of her life. However, after her 3rd stroke, she was into Christian after she knew some friends who spread the religion in hospital. But very soon, barely months later, she got the 4th major stroke and was beddridden ever since.
I am not against any religion as i am a free-thinker, but i just feel that she is not really a Christian because she was not really being baptished, and she only changed religion because she lost faith in Buddhism and Taoism because the "gods" didn't stop her from getting worst and worst. I remembered this very clearly. Because i ask her why she changed religion back then.
But nonetheless, i decided to follow her last instruction. I told her not to worry about me and reassure her that i am doing okay.
My sister also managed to contact my bro-in-law to come back and take a last look. And spend some time talking to her.
Then i went back home and wanted to blog about her condition, however discovered that the laptop cannot be boot up. No choice got to send the laptop for servicing on that sat. Suspected motherboard problem, sianz 1/2. Because i didn't purchase the extended warranty. So i got to pay.
I went back to work as usual after 17th. And was being called to be part of the working party for the engineer anniversary parade on 24th by my boss. Thought about what the 2 doctors have said, really felt like telling my boss that i wanted to reject the appt, but dunno maybe somehow i manage to sense that the dates would not clash.
So the next few days i was busy with parade rehearsal, preparation @ the floating platform @ Marina Bay And the parade itself on the 24th night. Everything went okay. I did find time to visit her once again during the weekend. So as the parade is over, thought that it's time to rest and relax becoz we have been preparing for the invitation, and miscellanous stuff for the past month.
I was supposedly to have physio on wed morning (25th), and thus i am not reporting to camp in the morning and i am still sleeping when i got a call @ 6.31am. I am still cursing about who will call me so early in the morning, it was my sister crying over the phone. Telling me that she think that my mother is gone, and asked me what to do. I asked her and called the doctor who is trained to cerfiy death. And then i rushed down via cab to take a look.
Over the journey, still half hoping that i would get a call that it's a false alarm. Or they managed to revive her. By the time i reached, my bro in law has already arrived. No words were exchanged as i went in and approached the room of my mother.
She was lying there peacefully, both hands still holding onto the towels. I looked at her stomach and ya she's gone. Her last look is very peaceful. No tears. Eye close. And there is a slight smile. Soon the doctor arrived and cerfified her death @ 0720hrs. But none of us cant really tell the time of death, she passed away during her sleep. It could be anything between 24th night 10pm onwards (the last feed) and 25th morning 6.30am. But by looking at her lip which is also turning dry and white, i think it's about 3-4am. Because i suddenly woke up @ that time.
My biggest niece was in hospital for gastric flu, somehow the maid forgets that there is no need for her to feed my mother so early, as she no need to bring my niece to school. And she first discovered the death of my mother, as the maid is required to adjust her to feed her. But there is no more repeat of the incident on the 17th despite her and my sister's attempts. My bro in law also tried called her and shook her a bit but no response. Me. I didn't do anything. I knew she's gone @ my very first look. The doctor told us that it might be another stoke in the middle of the night, but well we dunno.
And so went to report to the police to get the death cert. Informed my office and a few friends. Got a funeral director who take care of everything. And go and book a place for her. Everything just went so fast. Maybe unknown to many. My mother has not being taking pictures since she's ill. It was quite a challenge for me to find a decent pict to be displayed for the wake. I went through her items. Almost all her pictures are taking in her 20s,30s. I really "digged" so hard until i found the only one that she took about 12-13 years ago. My intial target was the coloured one taken 10 years when she remake her IC. But alias cannot find, so no choice use the black and white one.
The reality of losing my mother forever only hit me on Friday when it's time to close the coffin and leave for Mandai. I managed to hold the tears and emotions for the best part of the funeral until that moment. During the journey, while i am holding on to her altar, my tears just keep flowing. I did some refections, i have not been a good son, especially the past few years. Though i have been working hard to support her, but with my career not doing so well, there are times that maybe i am frustrated over the situation that i may vent some of my frustration on her over the years. And i didn't spend enough time with her, especially after the 2 doctors told me the same thing, i still didn't spend additional time with her. I guess that i really i took her for granted, and i took the words of the 2 doctors too lightly.
But overall, i am okay. Yes I am sad to lose her. But looking @ it, especially these past 5 years when she is bedridden, cannot eat, drink, talk, move, walk, control bowel, etc. She cant even tell us her last wishes. It's painful for her. Every day is just a year of suffering for her. We cannot tell what she's thinking in her mind, how she feel, what she wants. Looking from her point, i think it's a relief for her to go, no need to suffer anymore.
As for me, well it's time to get used to her loss. I have not think about what i am going to do. But at least now i no need to worry about how to support her in case that i got medically discharged.
I am not negative about my job. But my right ankle "gave up" these few days. Thu afternoon i started to feel the strain. But i decided to carry on. That night, i already need to use medical plaster to reduce the pain. While i am looking after the coffin, i was constantly icing my ankle. The pain got worst and worst. Really feel like going to hospital. But i really wanted to go through the last journey with my mother. Summoned my final courage to overcome the pain, and the increasing swelling of the ankle, to send my mother to Mandai.
But by Fri afternoon, when her ashes is ready for collection, i am already struggling to walk without support. But i am really really determined to complete what i am supposed to do for her. I asked my mother for forgiveness, and pass the responsibility of carry her ashes to the final resting place @ Bishan. Because i am not walking steadily, i am afraid that i might lose my balance. Her ashes is not purely white, there are traces of yellow, red, black, brown on her remains. The undertaker "educate" us by telling us that there are all the medications she took.
Come to think about it, it's really scary. And there is not much remains. And not much big bones. I guess is due to my mother's bones is weaker than normal pp, and so by using the same temp, more of the bones broke into powder form, or just become into very very small particles.
And after we finally settled everything, and putting my mother in the final resting place. I went to hospital. By then, my ankle is so so badly swollen (like 1.5 times) that i was seen by the senior consultant on duty. I did a x-ray. Everything is okay. So the senior consultant assumed that i have overwalked and referred back to my surgeon for his judgement. Ya maybe. I have been walking walking from wed 7am to fri 7pm non stop. 60 hours. Keep walking and never sleep during this period. Have to keep walking to keep myself alarm and awake. With only 3 adults in the family. there is not much pp that i can relied on. With my bro in law and my sis into their 30s and getting tired more easily. I was on duty for both nights. Besides the swollen ankle, my blood pressure esclated into 141/105.
I was discharged immediately with 3 days Mc until 30 apr. I think the doctor is right. With the sleep last night. I feel better. The ankle is still painful and sore. But it's much much better that yesterday. But i guess with the next few days of complete rest until 1 may (which is the 7th day). I should be okay liao. But small things like this, my ankle already reacting in such a big way, that i started to have some doubt of my chances of going back to combat duties. But i am still positive.
Next, i wanted to thank all those my friends who came to the wake, based on my never sleep memory, sorry if i miss out anyone.
- Albert Soh (Ex SP Track)
- Balasing (SGRunners)
- IronManDreamer aka IMD (SGRunners)
- Tiwazz (SGRunners)
- Maj Foo (Camp)
- Vivian (Camp)
- Huilong (Camp)
- Yisheng (Camp)
- Roonz (SGRunners)
- Tigger (SGRunners)
- Jiahe (Camp)
- JieQiang (Ex-Camp - ORD)
- Sotong (SGRunners)
- Cheryl (SGRunners)
- Bernard Teo (Ex SP Track)
- Idris & gf (4e3)
- Wahid (4e3)
- Jinru (4e3)
- Ashiq (4e3)
- Dingze (4e3)
- Minghong (2e4)
And all those who contribute because they couldn't come:
SWO Ho who is my ex-boss, COL Teo, 1WO Mani, Ms Tan, Mdm Yap, Mdm Alice, Melvin, Adrian, Thomas, Yuhong, Bryan, Ruilong, Caleb from my camp.
BrokenRunner from SGRunners.
Kangxiang from Ex SP track.
Kevin, YokeHui, Qinwei, Joanne, Shihui from 4e3.
Matthew Chen from my pri sch , he's in England and thus he send his gf down. Really appreciate his actions.
Again also must thanks those who sms, email, tag their condolences to me. Sorry for not replying to all of them.Well again thanks all who rendered help these few days.
No need to worry about me. I am coping with the loss quite okay.
The only downside of this funeral is her christian friends who turned up to pay respect tried to question me about the arrangement. Of coz i am unhappy about it. Losing my mother is already sad enough, still need to deal with those aunties. Sorry i am not against Christian. But i purely wanted to follow my mother's last instruction. I hope that they will understand one day.
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